The word is... Responsibility

I have loved living in the city for the last 5 years. But with my roommate moving out and everyone unsure of their long-term plans (or already paired off) -- it looks like I won't be staying in my apartment come Sept. 1. When this very real possibility presented itself yesterday I basically had an anxiety attack. I LOVE my place (great views, safe, good management) and I really didn't want to leave. But as I stayed awake, eyes wide open staring at the ceiling, and contemplated the reality of each of my possibilities at 2 am, I realized moving home might not be so bad after all.

First and foremost, moving home is the most responsible financial choice. Right now I'm spending about $1,000 on average for rent, utilities and a T pass. If I moved home I would have to add a car payment and bus fare, but that still only totals to just under $400. Since I don't actually have a job yet, eliminating those expenses will be a big relief. And when I do get one, it will give me the cashflow to pay off my credit cards and chip away at my student loans.

Secondly, living only an hour away from the city - with bus transportation if I don't want to drive - means the commute won't be too bad. Plus, with all my friends and boyfriend living here still, I'll always have a place to crash on late nights.

A decision that seemed devastating at first (you should have heard me whining, but I don't waaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnaaaa move home), actually seems like a blessing in disguise. Besides, once my finances are in order, I can move into my OWN place! So I guess it's like all those cliches: Que sera, sera; God works in mysterious ways; Change is the only constant.

Resolution Update: The Error is Most Often Human

I didn't post a Resolution Update last week because I ended up leaving work early to meet some of the girls at Savant Project for an impromptu sex education session with Oh Megan. When I got home, after a few delicious Red Heads, I attempted to balance my checkbook as usual. However, there was some discrepency between what the bank thought I should have and what I did. After 20 minutes of struggling with my fuzzy brain, checkbook and calculator on top of the pillows, I gave up.

This week I knew I must find the error or else it would only continue to get worse. For the last half hour I've been adding and re-adding (well, mostly subtracting) the numbers. I checked to make sure each entry in my checkbook appeared in my online statement. I realized that I had written an 8 instead of a 6 at one point, which had thrown my balance off by $20. Eureka!

But it wasn't to be so. I was still off by what I thought was nearly $50 now!! After making sure I was only counting items that had cleared, I checked again. And finally - finally! - found the problem. I had recorded an entry twice - subtracting an additonal $12.33.

It's a relief to finally have it balanced and matching up to my online account again. Like my mom said when I first complained that I was off, "It's your error. The bank doesn't add wrong." As with most things, the error is usually the human.

Resolution Update: Getting back in the black

So today I have my first successful attempt at working on Resolution #4 - balance my checkbook. I used to do this regularly, back when I opened my first bank account and my mom helped me monitor my finances very closely. With her help, I established a fantastic credit history. I got offers nearly every week to open new cards, usually with 0% intro interest rates. And then I started taking them up on their offers. That was the start of my troubles. I was offered a $5,000 limit on my first card without my mom. To an 19 year-old who had just discovered a passion for shopping (my entire wardrobe used to fit in one suitcase, now I can barely get it in 8 drawers + my closet), it was total freedom. That summer I was also working about 55 hours each week, so I was never worried about paying the card off - there was always enough. But one month I spent $800 - and this was before I had any real bills - so it all went toward eating out, movies, and clothes. That was the first month I didn't pay the card in full. I don't think I ever have since.

By balancing my checkbook each week, I hope to come to terms with my bank account - no matter how depressing it might be right now. At least knowing is much better than not knowing, which leads to overdrawing my account or missing card payments. Tonight I spent about 20 minutes after dinner cross-checking my online statement with my ledger. It was actually pretty painless, and I feel so accomplished! I'm also going to try to pay for more things with cash. Why? Because then I won't pay interest, then I'll see how much it REALLY costs, and it will make balancing the checkbook even EASIER!

Celebrating Life

Celebrate life. Carpe diem. Embrace those in your life that refuse to let you be too serious about the little things. Get outside. Be barefoot. Make grand plans. Execute with a thuroughness as yet unseen.

Those are the lessons I took away from last night. And yet today I found myself on the phone with my mom crying - against my desperate attempts not to - in the library about writing a paper for my capstone and about being seriously in debt (we've gone well beyond broke at this point). How do you applyt he above lessons when all these little, yet serious road blocks are in your way? At some point can you just ask to start with a fresh slate? Shouldn't everyone get one opportunity to say, "I know I was foolish, can I start over?"

My heart literally feels heavy. I can't tell if it's just because my chest is weak from this sickness I'm trying to fight off or symptom of anxiety. I just need to graduate, find a job, and unburden my debts. Nothing big.

Money

My parents are currently arguing over my mother's need to analyze dad's receipt from Home Depot the other day. My parents are fighting about money.

This has been a recurring theme as a grew up. In fact, as much as my parents love each other, as connected as they are, their great divide is money. I can hear them screaming right now, and I'm in the basement.

I wonder if this is why I have my own money issues. If growing up, not neccessisarily poor, but in a house where money was always a huge issue if that led me to my current relationship with money. When I have I'm afraid I won't have it again and I want to spend it. But I don't want to analyze where it goes or how much of it goes there.

Now the TV is blaring and the dishes are being banged around as they each stake their own corner of the house. I keep my finances online. That makes them less real to me - they get their own corner of my mind where I can shut the door and pretend they're not there.

I want to be financially secure. And confident. Without living beyond my means, or feeling like I'm watching every penny. How?

Dream Job?

Gonna sell my house and cross the border
'Cause somebody told me dreams live in Mexico
Gonna sell my house I got to lose ten pounds
And cross the border
And make sweet love upon the white sandy shore.
[Sarah Bareilles]

I'm applying for jobs. Well, actually I'm freaking out that I'm actually applying for REAL jobs and not coops, which basically means printing job postings then staring at them. I did manage to update my resume though.

The question right now is do I want to find a job as a writer - because I'm good at it, because it was my major, because it could leader to creative director positions (and $$). Or, do I want a job working for an organization I truly love (despite its flaws), even if it means doing some stuff that drives me nuts?

Okay, I'm forcing myself to go write my cover letters now. Big deep breath. Maybe I'm crazy, but I think I want the Girl Scout job more than anything else I've found. Plus, I know I would kick ass at it. Does that mean I wasted my time/$ at Northeastern?!

Before the beginning

I'm starting this blog to keep track of all my random thoughts and progress over the next few years. And to make it available to my (somewhat) adoring public. Ha. Anyways, I've decided that I'm sick of being afraid to look stupid. I'm sick of doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I'm sick of waiting for things to happen.

So, I'm making changes. Small at first, and then bigger and bigger. I'm trying new things. And I'm setting goals. Here we go:

[Health]

I can't remember the last time I was skinny. Okay, actually that's a lie. It was fourth grade. My best friend Chris used to come over everyday after school because my mom babysat him. Chris, my brother, and me would play outside everyday until it was dark. And when we were playing inside, we were always wrestling or having adventures of some kind. Chris had, and still has, one of the most incredible imaginations of anyone that I have ever met. Alas, eventually my mom got a full-time job and we got to be too old to need a baby-sitter everyday. My afterschool routine changed from daily adventures in the woods or trips to "Destiny Valley" (which was actually just the edge of our property) to watching Breaker High and Sweet Valley High on TV with a bowl of goldfish and a diet coke.

I remember at first my mom told me that it was just baby fat, that it would go away. So I didn't change my habits at all. By the time I was in junior high I was a size 14. Despite several attempts at hardcore diets, all of which failed due to their extremely rigid and boring nature, and several periods of just not caring, I've come out 10 years later about the same size as I was in junior high. I've always eaten relatively healthfully, enjoying a wide variety of produce and whatnot. But tend to give in to the more tempting treats far too often -- fast foods snacks and biiiiiig family buffets.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of seeing a different person in my head than the person that I see in pictures. I joined Weight Watchers (WW) about 2.5 months ago. I've lost almost 15 lbs since then using the flex plan. I've also been away from home since January and have begun a lifestyle that includes exercise at least 5 days a week.

I've come to realize that I get bored by routines very easily. WW allows me to eat whatever foods that I want, but helps me keep portions in control by counting points. It also lets me do whatever kinds of exercise I'm in the mood for -- all counting toward earning Activity Points (APs). Since I began exercising regularly, I've gone through phases where I did the elliptical, the treadmill, walks around my neighborhood, short jogs, nature hikes, and (most recently) swimming. I think as long as I keep changing it up, I will be okay.

So, now that we have the backstory down -- I have some upcoming goals:

Scale Victories (SVs):

• July 4th -- 189 lbs. (a loss of 10% from my original weight)
• Sept 2nd -- 170 (next 10%)
• Nov 4th -- 153 (next 10%, top of my healthy BMI range, just in time to turn 22!!)
• Dec 31st -- 135 (END GOAL!! just in time to kick of 2008)

Non-Scale Victories (NSVs):

• Joined company softball team.
  The last time I played softball it was probably in gym class, and who really puts effort in then? I've always shied away from playing with my cousins (who all play on legitimate teams, one is even a nationally ranked youth pitcher) because I didn't want to look stupid. Well, I stopped caring about that and you know what? I had FUN! And I'm actually not half bad. Plus my teammates are constantly giving me support and teaching me little tricks. It's one of the best experiences I've had and has definitely been a tipping point* for me.
• Learn how to box/kick-box/legitimately defend myself.
• Hike one of the presidential mountains this fall.
• Learn to sail my sailboat at the lake house.

(* The Tipping Point. Malcom Gladwell -- check it out on my books list!)

[Travel]

Rehauling my approach to exercise and eating healthy has tranistioned into renewed enthusiasm for other areas of my life. I've always been a small-town girl (and I still consider Boston to be a small-town girl's city). However, there are so many interesting, unique and wonderful experiences to be had around the world. At this time in my life I have no serious obligations to anyone but myself. This is the time to travel.

Part of this goal was recently achieved when I moved to Baltimore for six months for my job. It's the longest and farthest I've ever been away from my family. It's the longest I've ever gone without my entire network of friends to keep me entertained and busy around the clock. I think it's been a catalyst for a lot of introspection and personal growth.

Places to go, people to meet:

• France, study abroad, Fall 2008.
• Costa Rican Adventure (EF collegebreak), Summer 2008.
• Montreal
• Greek Islands
• Arizona (visit friends), San Diego (with my cousins), Atlanta (visit family)

[Money]

I've also recently determined that I want to be in full control of my financial circumstances. I have a spending problem. I inherited it from my father. I also have a big heart and would give my money away in a heartbeat to help you out, even if it was my last dollar. I'm trying to get a handle on my financial situation and prepare myself to fund my future endeavors, instead of simply my whims at the mall. To do this I opened an ING Direct savings account, used loan money to purchase a new computer (instead of my CapOne card), and recently started my very first Roth IRA account (more on that another time).

I've also decided to take a bartending class and see if I enjoy that line of work. I think it would be really fun. And my family and friends seem to think I would be great at it. It's another one of those things that I've always sort of thought about but never had the guts to pursue. I'm also trying to grow my freelancing network to continue building my portfolio.

Making bank:

• Pay CapOne card down from $4,200 to $2,000 by May 2008.
• Own car outright for first time -- title, registration, insurance
• Pay rent on my own (first non-university housing!)

That's all of this post. More to come on thoughts about my career path later.