I'm ready to get off this emotional roller coaster

Sunday and Monday was a ridiculous experience of going from the highest emotional high to the lowest low. From speaking at Kyle & Laurie's wedding ceremony to finding out about getting robbed of my jewelry (and old laptop). It was emotionally, and thus physically, draining. Once I got back to the city Monday, I napped and laid in my bed for a few hours, unable to find the energy or motivation to go much farther. And also scared that somehow leaving would have dire consequences. Kari and I did manage to be productive in the evening when we started cleaning the front closet and pantry - which was completely beyond words disgusting. I needed the act of packing to excite me and make moving out of this shithole with my slumlord a reality. 24 days and counting.

Tuesday was slightly more energetic and productive, if only because it had to be for the most part. But then, for the first time since the start of January, I didn't close on a Tuesday night. So I was finally able to partake of Ladies 80s Night at Red Sky ($10 of booze gets you a free three course meal). I had the best experience ever with BPD (Office D. Brown) when filing my supplemental report. After Red Sky, and observing the ridiculousness that is Menino's corraling of street performers at Fanieul Hall (see Universal Hub), I went home and watched TV in our peaceful apartment.

Today was a lot of class and reading, and the next week of upcoming finals is going to be crazy. But the power of positive thinking (I'm convinced that's what it was) brought me to the Jack Johnson concert in Mansfield for free, with the decision made about 45 minutes prior to leaving the city. It took an arsenal of calls to BR sales people but it all came together, and I even ran into one of my best friends from NH on Rt 495 on his way to the concert too.

Of course, listening to music you haven't heard in awhile, and truly hearing the lyrics, makes you start thinking. Especially thinking of things that hadn't been thought about in awhile, that get sparked by seeing someone special.

Well I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs

The Lord knows that this world is cruel
I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning lovin' somebody don't make them love you

The Attraction Paradox & Other Burning Questions

If you really want to convince someone that they want something, tell them that they can't have it. You probably wouldn't even really need to literally tell them, as long as you made them think that for some reason the object was forbidden.

Why? Why are we most attracted to people we cannot have? Or is it less of us being attracted to what we can't have than the essential struggle between the self and the other. I want that. You say no. I want to win, so I want it. But how often do we really win? How often do we buck society and say, "No, you know what: I want this; I deserve this; this is going to be mine."

What are we so afraid of? Insulting others? Being excluded from the group that is denying the object to us? Are relationships with others more important than the relationship you have with yourself?

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[Jan. 15, 2007]
When people move on are you supposed to just accept that? When you see pictures of people is it okay to wish to talk to them one more time, to hang out one more time, with them the way that they were? Is that okay to want sometimes, even if it's the easy way out.

Is it okay to not miss someone? Is it okay to not miss someone the way they are now, to not think about them everyday? Is it okay to be okay without them?

You wake up in the morning and it feels like a dream. When does it become real. When does it stop being a vacation and become your life? Do you have to let go for that happen? Can you hold on and move on? Or do they each require an amount of betrayal -- to reality, to memories, to dreams.

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[Feb. 13, 2006]
How come I can never make up my mind? How come I'm never satisfied? How come I always want what's just beyond my reach? Or the one thing I'm not doing? Why is it that everything on the outside, gets in my head and makes me doubt things? Does everyone, at a certain point, ask all these same questions and wonder about the answers?