Different. But Thankful.

This year was different than the last few years. I didn't see any of the usual kids I see during the holidays. I didn't go to the same bars. We're all so scattered now, and doing different things. And losing touch with some people (because really, how many people can you truly keep in touch with?).

But I think it's okay. Just because it's different doesn't mean it's bad.

I am thankful too. Despite the minor plumbing disasters in my room, there's not much I could think to ask for this year that I don't already have.

So karma, life, god, whateveritis - thanks.

Relief

I just emailed my paper to myself so that I can print it before class tomorrow. It's done. It's a bizarre sense of relief, because now that it's out of my hands (well, as of 11:45 tomorrow), I have to start worrying about everything else that needs to get done before graduation.

But for now, I'm going to celebrate by pampering myself with a long, hot bath. And some guilty pleasure TV under the covers of my big down blanket. Here's to hoping tonight's sleep is significantly better than the last two.

Today, I Hate

I'm frustrated, angry, annoyed, anxious, and surviving on frayed nerves at the moment. So here are some things today that I really hate. [Expect updates throughout the day.]

• Capstone Thesis. I'm more frustrated by this paper than any other thing I've written in my entire college career. It's fraying all my nerves. But I'm not ready to accept a C in the class. My perfectionism will kill me.
• High school students on campus. A group of screaming, rude inner-city high school kids just got off the elevator. After pushing (literally) past them, I entered the elevator to find they had pushed EVERY single floor button for my ride down.
• People being inappropriately loud. I think this is mostly a symptom of the frayed nerves. But lately any time I'm in a setting that has an expectation of quiet, upon which someone interrupts by blabbing on their phones, I just want to muzzle them.
• Stupid noises in general. I think this goes along with the stress as well. Billiard balls slamming together, children running the halls, elevator dinging - where the hell are my noise canceling headphones now?!

The Job Hunt & Power of Networks

I blame my involvement in projects like Pursue the Passion for making me unable to just "find a job" that will give me a paycheck. I need to care about the company's product and their mission. Which is why after applying to the Girl Scouts membership specialist position I've been hesistant to apply anywhere else. Nothing, not even postings on Idealist, stuck out at me as "you would love being here everyday!"

Then today Jason sent a note out on Facebook about the company he's working for that's looking for Communications Interns and an Office Admin. As much as the word intern makes me shiver (after 3 co-ops I'm qualified beyond an intern) and the idea of administration everyday sounds like a grad, I was immediately excited by the company. NEHI "specializes in identifying innovative strategies for improving health care quality and reducing health care costs." This is precisely the topic I wrote my paper for LPS on last year. Plus, even though it's an internship it's paid, which at this point is key.

I'm so blessed to have cultivated friendships with people who are involved and care deeply. As we all graduate and begin to find jobs, it's going to be so essential to stay in touch. You never know when something might just fall into your lap.

Celebrating Life

Celebrate life. Carpe diem. Embrace those in your life that refuse to let you be too serious about the little things. Get outside. Be barefoot. Make grand plans. Execute with a thuroughness as yet unseen.

Those are the lessons I took away from last night. And yet today I found myself on the phone with my mom crying - against my desperate attempts not to - in the library about writing a paper for my capstone and about being seriously in debt (we've gone well beyond broke at this point). How do you applyt he above lessons when all these little, yet serious road blocks are in your way? At some point can you just ask to start with a fresh slate? Shouldn't everyone get one opportunity to say, "I know I was foolish, can I start over?"

My heart literally feels heavy. I can't tell if it's just because my chest is weak from this sickness I'm trying to fight off or symptom of anxiety. I just need to graduate, find a job, and unburden my debts. Nothing big.

CrazyBusy

That pretty much describes my life. And the lives of all my other manic-happy friends (i.e. Maris' post). But sometimes, I don't want to be that way. Busy. I'm fine with that. Busy to me means being involved with the world, creating something bigger than yourself, or connecting with those who are important to you. Crazy. Well who really wants to be crazy?

So I'm reading the book CrazyBusy by Edward M. Hallowell. He's a phsychiatrist from Harvard. The first part of the book basically describes me, my friends, and pretty much everyone else I run into on a daily basis (with very few exceptions). I just started part two, which focuses on managing and dealing with this modern life. I tried one of the tactics of single-focusing, whereby I dedicated 100% of my conscious brain to working on my midterm. Started at 7, outlined for an hour, 5 min break to get water, wrote until 9:20, 20 minute break in between essays, and just finished at 10:20. A solid six pages of writing, most of which is pretty good. It needs to be polished, citations need to be added. But it's done, and that means I can fully enjoy my favorite band's show tomorrow night without worrying about staying up late to do my midterm.

I'm working right now on charting how I spend my time. Basically like the budget my mother keeps trying to get me to keep for my bank account. I'll report on the results of that in a few days. After more than ten years of being told to, "Do less." by a favorite friend of mine I'm going to see if I can.

Money

My parents are currently arguing over my mother's need to analyze dad's receipt from Home Depot the other day. My parents are fighting about money.

This has been a recurring theme as a grew up. In fact, as much as my parents love each other, as connected as they are, their great divide is money. I can hear them screaming right now, and I'm in the basement.

I wonder if this is why I have my own money issues. If growing up, not neccessisarily poor, but in a house where money was always a huge issue if that led me to my current relationship with money. When I have I'm afraid I won't have it again and I want to spend it. But I don't want to analyze where it goes or how much of it goes there.

Now the TV is blaring and the dishes are being banged around as they each stake their own corner of the house. I keep my finances online. That makes them less real to me - they get their own corner of my mind where I can shut the door and pretend they're not there.

I want to be financially secure. And confident. Without living beyond my means, or feeling like I'm watching every penny. How?

Election Coverage: brought to you by citizen journalism!

Made all the better because I can spite all the old-school newsies in my journalism capstone on Thursday.